09 February 2006

Finnish jokes

Instead of studying Finnish this afternoon as I should have (...... i needed a day off.....) I compiled these favorites of mine of Finnish jokes, some familiar, some off the net (apologize for the profanity, but quite a bit of the "clean" finnish humor involves language puns and such that wouldn't make sense in English...) Enjoy!

(more than a few clipped from here)

A Swede arrives at a Finn’s house with a litre bottle of vodka. The Finn silently lets him into the dining room where the Swede sits at the table with the bottle.
Not a word is spoken.
The Finn goes off and returns with two vodka glasses. The Swede fills the two glasses with the vodka, and they begin to drink.
Not a word is spoken.
After much silence and a half-empty bottle, the Swede ventures a comment: “Good vodka, this, heh?”.
At this, the Finn slaps the Swede across the face and shouts:
“Did you come here to talk or to drink?”

"The cleaning lady left a note lying on a table
at the Finnish Meteorological Institute.
It said: "Please close the window when you leave.
You never can tell if it might rain in the night."

-"Pekka, can you see that forest over there?" "Na, the trees is in the way.."
-Pekka was out driving. Suddenly the road turned, but Pekka did not. Pekka ended up on a hospital. The doctor said: "But Pekka, you must learn how to turn." Week later, Pekka was out on the road driving again. Pekka turned, but the road sure hell did not!
-How many finns does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. 1 to hold the bulb, and 4 to drink vodka till the room starts spinning
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer asked him: "I'll give you $200 if you let me smach ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed... The Finn smashed nine bottles and stoppped. "Why stopping", said the Swede? "I'm not a complete idiot, then I would have to pay you."

Esko Aho and Paavo Väyrynen were talking about the speeches they had given during their election campaign. "What did you say?" asked Aho. "Nothing." "I know that, but what words did you use?"

Finnish flat tyre

Antero is driving down the road when 'boom' he gets a flat tyre. "Saatana" he says, and after discovering he doesn't have a jack, he decides to walk down the road and try to borrow one from someone.

As he's walking, he's thinking "Damn, they probably won't have one." He walks a little further, and the growing suspicion increases... "I BET they don't have one". He walks further... "DAMN IT, I'm sure they won't have one, and if they did they wouldn't lend it to me anyway."

Finally he reaches a cottage, picks up a rock and hurls it through the window, shouting "KEEP YOUR BLOODY JACK!!"

How can you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert?

When he's talking to you a Finnish introvert looks at his feet. A Finnish extrovert looks at yours!

Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...

You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.

You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.

Silence is fun.

Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.

You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"

Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".

You associate pea soup with Thursday.

Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"

Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.

You accept alcohol as food.

You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.

You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."

When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.

You've become lactose intolerant.

You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.


soccerdave said...

LOL I didn't see much profanity at all. But good jokes though I guess you would need to know something about Finland and the culture to fully "get" them.

yash gupta said...

I could still get the jokes..they`re downright funny even if u dont know much about finland.

Zoe said...

Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".

Whoa, that's also how you say those things in Chinese!
guan1 deng1 = close lights
da3 kai1 dian4shi4 = open television
chi1 yao4 = eat medicine